Sign Me Up April 14, 2008

I was met with, ‘Hi! I’m Belinda!’

This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, ‘All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Slit in the front. Everything clear?’

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy size 36-B and stretches it into a 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4” pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness.

The power went out!

‘What?’ I yelled.

‘Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.’ Belinda headed for the door.

‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?’ I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy. The door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.’

Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ she disappeared.

And that’s when I met Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire.

After exchanging a polite greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl ) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was out.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible ‘Uh, yes, yes I do thanks’

‘You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

TWO HOURS later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement.

‘Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?’

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps…
I hate forwards. I usually just delete the entire email if there is a forward attached in any way. For some reason, when I received this tale I read it and laughed and kept thinking about it. In all honesty, I can’t believe something like this did not actually happen to me when I went in last month for my first mammogram. Now, make sure you keep your appointment. Detection is your best defense!